(AIRHORN BLOWING)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (CROWD CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: After using their last time-out,
Poly High returns to the field.
Down by three, with three seconds remaining.
This is the last play of the season, folks.
NARRATOR: America loves an underdog.
QUARTERBACK: Stat reaper come to.
Watch five-seven, watch five-seven.
- Down. - NARRATOR: The slept on.
QUARTERBACK: Open, open!
NARRATOR: The little guy.
- PLAYER: Block, block, block! - Get 'em.
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
NARRATOR: The ones no one believes can achieve greatness.
(TENSE PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING)
But you know what they love more?
Motherfuckers who was born great.
- Yes! - (ALL CHEERING)
NARRATOR: Motherfuckers like me.
Jaycen 'Two-J's' Jennings.
The birth of a superstar. Shit.
I'm the pick that got picked before all the other picks.
ANNOUNCER: This rookie is special.
JAYCEN: Breaking records and laying waste
to all the little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
who walked on the field.
COMMENTATOR: Smoked again by Jaycen Jennings.
DEION: When he throw that hand out, it's over.
No one in the game
-could play with him. - (SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)
- JAYCEN: Man, everybody love me. - COMMENTATOR: Touchdown!
JAYCEN: I was more popular than God.
COMMENTATOR: Two-J's!
JAYCEN: And worshipped in every living room
and every kitchen in America.
Yeah. But check this shit out.
Once you get to that mountaintop,
everybody wants to see you fuckin' fall.
The notion that people are idolizing
Jaycen 'Two-J's' Jennings, it's ridiculous.
COMMENTATOR 1: Jennings... And he dropped it!
COMMENTATOR 2: Has to make that play.
And he went out there and he didn't deliver,
and he hadn't delivered the whole game.
CHIP: What's he call that stupid dance? The Two-J's?
Why don't you spend more time on the grass than smoking it.
You're young, you're successful,
you're making a lot of money.
How could you screw this up?
He's chasing rings harder than a housewife in Atlanta.
And you know what I say about those housewives,
at least they stayed in one city their whole career.
Where's the loyalty?
JAYCEN: But all that irrational-ass hate
teaches you a very valuable lesson.
Never, ever, ever
count on anyone but yourself.
Fuck your teammates, fuck your coaches,
fuck your fans.
Hey, Two-J's! You blow!
- (SLAP ECHOES) - Man, fuck everybody.
(INHALES)
'Cause at the end of the day,
they're just some mediocre motherfuckas
tryna hold back the true greats from reaching
ultimate mothafuckin' greatness.
That's it for this week.
I'm Jaycen Jennings. Y'all make sure y'all hit
that subscribe button so quick, so fast.
(TABLET CHIMES)
(DEJA VU (I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE BY TEENA MARIE PLAYS)
I'm young and I'm old
- (JAYCEN COUGHING) - I'm rich and I'm poor
I feel like I've been on this earth many times before
CHIP: (ON TABLET) I call it how it is.
The guy was not that good of a football player.
He didn't care about the game.
He doesn't care about the purity of the sport.
Listen, this is simple.
My top five receivers of all time?
- Very simple. - Man, fuck.
CHIP: Jerry Rice, Larry Fitz, T.O., Raymond Berry,
and obviously, Randy Moss.
I can't believe anyone could think
that Two-J's is a top-five wide receiver of all time.
I know pornstars that have received more than him.
- (COUGHS) - I wanna see
- actual skills, okay? - The fuck?
I wanna see someone who's in the end zone...
Sick of this motherfucker Chip Collins.
Hashtag, I'm fuckin' you up when I see you.
Hold on. Emoji.
Eggplant emoji.
Lick.
Bitch-ass motherfucker.
Eat a fat baby's dick.
Hashtag, you don't want that smoke.
(LINE RINGING)
MAN: SSF, Ryan Kaushik's office.
- Yo, it's Jaycen. - Jason Sudeikis?
Mothafucker, it's Jaycen Jennings!
Oh, Jaycen. I didn't know he still represented you.
The fuck?
He's on a call right now. Let me have him call you back.
Man, make it quick. I'm busy.
I'm sorry, he's in a breakfast meeting.
Fuck! When is he gonna pick up?
- (LINE DISCONNECTS) - He's in the bathroom.
- Man, have him call me back. - (LINE DISCONNECTS)
He's talking to his grandma.
You know what, fuck this shit!
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
(ENGINE ROARING)
(SMACK A BITCH BY RICO NASTY PLAYING)
Ask for your salary in Dogecoin. I'm telling you...
- What's up, Kaufmoney? - Oh.
Two-J's! My guy.
Uh... You look...
Pissed?
Like somebody's agent
that don't know how to return fucking phone calls.
You were just about to be my next call.
That's bullshit.
You're here now, so...
Mothafucker, we had a plan.
I create a dope-ass podcast,
you get my dope ass a commentary job,
then I get back
in the spotlight again. Do you remember that?
Yeah, of course, I remember the motherfuckin' plan.
But the problem with the plan is that people
say, for no good reason,
that you're a selfish prick
who's impossible to work with.
- That's fucking bullshit! - Well...
Chip Collins.
Don't they hate his ass?
So, actually, yes.
Chip Collins has a hate-love ratio of 50-50. Okay?
Yours is 95-5.
Look, if I were you, I would do some charity work.
Get some positive PR for your brand, maybe, uh...
Why don't you start a school for poor kids
like LeBron, huh?
Fuck LeBron James, and fuck poor kids.
You just need to do your mothafuckin' job
and get me back in the game.
Man, if I were you, I would
reconsider the Dancing with the Stars offer,
- that's a really good deal... - Man, fuck you,
you Harold and Kumar lookin' motherfucker!
- I'm through with this shit. Fuck this! - I'll be right back, sir, I just have to help
- this gentleman. - Look here,
you red vest-wearing, Aladdin-looking mothafucker!
You know who the fuck I am? I'm Jaycen Jennings.
Well known, highly respected, top-five receiver of all time.
- Okay. - Okay.
So, go get my mothafuckin' car, then.
Hey, hey, Two-J's, why don't you just relax, man.
The guy's just trying to do his job.
I don't wanna hear that shit.
Why don't you stay in your motherfuckin' lane
until you win one of these, Tony Gonzalez?
Give me my motherfuckin' keys.
Move, nigga.
Acting like you don't know who the fuck I am.
- Don't worry about him. - JAYCEN: Fuck you, Gonzalez!
- I'm self-made. - (ENGINE ROARS)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
- (CAR ALARM WAILING) - JAYCEN: Fuck!
- Two-J's just got smoked! - (WOMAN EXCLAIMING)
JAYCEN: Fuck you, Gonzalez! I'm self-made.
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
- (BONK) - (HORSE WHINNIES)
(EAGLE SCREAMS)
- (T-REX ROARS) - Fuck!
Well, look who's back in the news.
My dear friend, Jaycen Jennings.
If we're talking about promising stars
that have absolutely pissed away their careers,
Two-J's, you're giving R. Kelly
a run for his money. I mean, what is...
Mr. Jennings!
MAN: You see this fool?
Put your phone away so that we can begin sentencing.
Oh, for sure, my bad.
Mr. Jennings, you've plead guilty to charges of speeding,
reckless endangerment and damage to city property.
These charges warrant that
you could spend five years in prison.
MAN 2: There it is.
But I've decided
that I'm gonna go a different direction.
Thank you, Judge,
for the celebrity treatment. I appreciate it.
- (CHUCKLES DRYLY) - WOMAN: This motherfucker.
I'm recommending that you spend 300 hours
of community service with the Long Beach
Parks and Recreations Department.
- The fuck? - (WOMAN GASPS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, Judge.
I thought I was getting like
some Martha Stewart kinda treatment.
Community service in Long Beach,
that ain't gonna work for me.
You too good for the community that raised you?
Or maybe you just don't wanna go back,
after 20 years of not being home,
in a orange vest and a pooper-scooper.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, shit.
Janine? Is that you?
Freshman year, white American history class?
Where we used to play hide and go get it.
Come on, girl, you can't cut me no break?
(SCOFFS) My name is not Janine.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh!
It's Tara.
We grew up on the same block.
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
Your narcissistic ass.
Just get the hell out of my courtroom,
so I can call everybody we grew up with
and tell them that they can catch your Hollywood ass
right up in the park, scooping up dog shit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Next!
- You're moving too slow. - (JAYCEN GROANS)
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
Back in the hood, picking up dog shit.
(SCOFFS) Wow.
Wow.
- MASKED MAN: Keys! - Mothafucka!
Cuz, the car don't come with keys.
Shut the fuck up before I bust your head
to the white meat, nigga.
I start the car with my phone.
Give me the motherfucking keys!
Look, you can have the phone and my car,
just let me clear the videos real quick.
Niggas see this sex tape
with Two-J's and Lisa Lampanelli, I'm finished.
Nigga, don't play with...
(GASPING)
(GRUNTS)
Jaycen?
Kareem?
Nigga! (SOBS WITH JOY)
(JAYCEN EXCLAIMS)
Mothafucka, you just put a gun to my head, nigga.
Relax, J, the safety was on.
- It's on safe... No. - (GUN CLICKS)
It ain't on safety. Damn.
Imagine that.
Ahh! Nigga. I've been trying
to get in touch with you for years.
- Huh? - Literally.
For a million years.
Yeah. And everybody talk about,
oh, what's that girl name, punkin' and them sister
talking about, "Oh, just get out of his face.
"Leave him alone.
"Cuz, you hittin' him too much.
"You a stalker.
"You sweatin' him, back up off him."
I told her, "Girl, J is my nigga!
"He would never do no shit like that."
I know you've been thinking about me,
and I know you've been trying to get in touch with me.
Is that pretty much right?
Yeah, that's how I feel about you,
that's exactly how I feel about you, cuz.
Yeah, I knew it. I knew that was right.
I'm one of your real homies, I'm one of the day ones,
- before everybody. - Fuck.
I'm first, third grade, fourth grade,
food stamps, juvie, all that. Man!
Here, let me put my phone number in there.
I'mma put my grandmother's number,
where I wash clothes at on the weekend.
Man, God work in mysterious ways, boy,
I'm telling you, man.
I've been thinkin' about you,
thinkin' about you, thinkin' about you.
I'm so glad you back here in the LBC.
But not on no pooper-scooper shit.
(LAUGHS)
Nigga, Tara told you too?
Yeah. The whole hood know you's pickin' up shit now.
- (LAUGHING) - Fuck that bitch Tara.
Me and my nigga done rejoined again, man.
Aight, look, I gotta go.
I gotta bounce, cuz, I'm on a mission.
I'mma call you.
Love you, cuz.
Fuck is this nigga finna do?
KAREEM: Keys, bitch!
(SIGHS)
You gonna take all day?
(KIDS CHATTERING)
JAYCEN: (WHISPERS) Oh, shit. BOY 1: That's crazy.
Got to be some fucking human shit.
Ain't no fuckin' dog gonna be shitting this fuckin' big.
BOY 2: 'Cause like, he like, nowhere, dude.
- (JAYCEN GRUNTS) - BOY 3: Hey, bring that.
(BOY 4 HUMMING GAMES OF THRONES THEME)
(ROARS)
(RESUMES HUMMING)
BOY 5: Just listen to what he says, man.
(CHUCKLES) Take that, Game of Thrones.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
Y'all really think y'all funny messing with Gary's nerdy ass.
- BOY 6: Damn! - You tryna get some, bitch?
Come get these hands
- and find out, bro. - Let's go!
TONY: Let's go! Let's go! BOYS: Fight! Fight!
JAYCEN: Hey, hey, hey!
Damn, man. You just stepped on my mothafuckin' shoe!
(BOYS LAUGH)
Fuck is y'all laughin' at?
Ol' dusty ass, Payless shoe-wearin' mothafuckas,
y'all know what these go for on StockX?
Come on now, dawg. Those are obviously fake.
Obviously, these cost more
than everything in your fuckin' house.
You tryna tell me a janitor
just walks around with the freshest Fendis?
Bitch, yo mama's a janitor.
- Bitch, yo mama's homeless. - (LAUGHING)
- What did you say? - That nigga a crackhead.
You lucky I'm on probation,
or I'll slap the shit outta you.
Man, shut yo crackhead ass up and keep sweeping shit.
Man, fuck this shit!
(BOYS CHATTERING)
- Damn! - JAYCEN: Hey, miss!
Hey, you in charge of these little dusty mothafuckas?
WOMAN: One second.
I'm sorry, are you suggesting that this is their fault?
Lady, you're being real rude right now.
And I said, one second!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
Mm! God damn, baby, don't that feel familiar?
Jaycen, uh, can you let go of me, please?
What the f...
God damn, Rise, you look good as a mothafucka
in them scrubs.
Hold on, Mama, you know this basehead?
Mama? This little piece of shit mine?
You better watch your mouth.
When the last time me and you was together, what,
'03, '04, Provo?
You do the math.
- (SCOFFS) - Nah, he ain't mine.
We're leaving, let's go.
Already?
Cherise, I drove all the way to Long Beach just to see you.
You came all the way to Long Beach
to pick up dog shit.
Fuck Tara.
Ain't nobody seen you around here in 20 years.
Let's go. Come on, boys.
Let's let this man serve his community.
What about practice?
It's canceled for today.
Where's Coach?
TRE: He quit, huh? CHERISE: Come on, let's go.
Hold on, let me get my stuff.
JAYCEN: In football, you gotta have a short memory.
Fuck a play up,
- and move on. - (CROWD CHEERING OVER PHONE)
Hey, sweet face.
I'm headed to the clinic
and I'll be back in a few hours.
- Okay? - All right.
- Mwah. Love you. - Love you, too.
- (GRUNTS) Too slow. Too slow. - (CHUCKLES)
JAYCEN: That's exactly how I live my life.
Can't be wasting time thinking about bullshit.
COMMENTATOR: Hurdles into the end zone.
And Jaycen Jennings smoked both defenders on that one.
Damn!
JAYCEN: Like that one girl you was always trippin' off of...
No matter how good she still look...
I'm a firm believer.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Hold this for me, okay? - Jaycen, what?
I love you, Cherise.
JAYCEN: To stay outta the past.
(CHERISE SIGHS)
No matter how good she still looks.
Did I say that already?
Damn, I just said that.
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
Who the fuck ringing my doorbell?
All right, I'm coming.
Family. What's happening, baby? (LAUGHS)
What the fuck is you doing here?
Hey, man, I needed a place to lay low for a while.
- Man, this is beautiful, baby. - For a while?
Yeah, for a while, man.
Well, how the fuck you know where I live?
How I know where you live?
Oh, man, your phone bills, man, your credit score, mail.
Hey, man, you gotta be careful who you give your number to.
I mean, come on, you know it's me, baby.
And you know, I got the THC. 100%.
Pow. That shit will make a nun get naked.
(LIKE MY WEED BY JANE HANDCOCK PLAYS)
Yeah, name one nigga in the hood that play like this
I like my weed, uh
- In the mornin' - Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah
- I like my weed - Said I like my weed
Man, them legalizing weed put a dent in my capital,
but that shit is bomb as a mothafucker.
You right, this shit is bomb as a mothafucker.
And look, the crazy thing about it is,
I copped the weed down on 15th and Atlantic.
Our old corner?
Yeah, our spot.
Where we used to sling the pounds at.
Cuz, you still selling weed?
(HUFFS)
Have you ever sat back and thought
what you wanna do with your life?
Many a time, but I mean, look, man, I got tattoos on my face.
Ain't nobody fuckin' with me, man.
I feel you, homie,
but I seen somebody today from back in the day
that didn't look like they was doing too bad for herself.
Cherise?
- How you know? - (LAUGHS) I can tell how
you got that little kiddy-ass grin
on your face when you say her name.
Cuz, ain't nobody grinning, nigga.
Yes, you is. Boy, you love that girl,
- Cherise, man. - (LAUGHS)
Hey, but look, she thicker than a motherfucker.
I'm talkin' about thicker than a Snicker.
Shut up.
And she doing good for herself, she got the clinic down there
where she helping the kids with the broken arm.
She help the people with the dialysis.
Man, she even help me when I got stabbed that 17 times.
Nigga, you got stabbed?
- You ain't hear? They didn't tell you I almost lost my arm? - No, let me see.
Oh, Cuz, you...
Damn!
They said I lost 350,000 pounds of blood.
That much blood?
I ain't hear nothing about that one.
But anyway... What happened
to you and Cherise after high school, man?
Come on, my nigga, you know, your nigga can't be tied down.
Right, right, right, right, right.
But you should've seen how she was on me today though.
But her little cockblockin'-ass son
and his little football team,
they gotta hurry up and find a head coach,
so I can slide up on her
and get my peep on at the park every week.
You know what I'm talking about?
You tryna Emilio Estevez that ass,
that's what you's tryna do.
Emilio who?
Emilio Estevez.
Man, he played the coach on Mighty Ducks.
Man, he ran a cold game on Joshua Jackson's momma.
First, he taught him how to use the puck,
then he turned around,
taught her how to use the stick.
Man, he got that pussy,
and became an American hero at the same mothafuckin' time.
Kareem,
you kiddie movie genius watching mothafucka.
I could just see it now.
Jaycen Jennings, football legend,
- goes back... - Yeah.
...and saves a ol' raggedy-ass Pop Warner football team
in his neighborhood.
Yeah, say that then.
You know, people love when people fuck with poor kids.
This just may be my way to get America
and Cherise
to fuck with Two-J's all over again.
You know, God works in mysterious ways.
- Really do. - And I love you, boy.
- JAYCEN: I love you, too. - (GUN FIRES)
What the fuck?
Kareem.
Safety was on it, cuz.
Oh, nope.
The safety wasn't on it again.
I'm gonna go home and put some duct tape on the handle.
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
- Aye, Ms. Cherise. - CHERISE: Hmm.
This new coach coming or what?
There's a group of girls posted up
at the parking lot, checking for me.
TONY: Man, they ain't checking on you.
Checking on this big-ass pito right here.
Enough! No more dick talk.
We've already talked about this.
It's not cute. It's not funny.
Stop smiling, Tony.
It's very creepy. Nobody likes the creepy kid.
- Understand me? - (BOYS CHUCKLE)
- Yes, Ms. Evans. - Okay.
God, I love it when she puts me in my place.
- What was that? - Uh, nothing, nothing.
- (TIRES SCREECHING) - (ENGINE ROARING)
DWAYNE: Oh, shit.
What the...
BOY: Damn, it's hella bright though.
That's a Benz.
What?
DWAYNE: That thing is so bright.
That is nice.
Yo, isn't that the crackhead janitor
that was cleaning up poop the other day?
BOY 1: Looking like a hip-hop pirate.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
You gotta be kidding me.
Y'all thought I was a crackhead janitor, huh?
DWAYNE: Mm-hmm. Yeah. BOY 2: Yes.
Well, turns out, I'm a rich-ass celebrity.
And when I heard about y'all league
not being able to find y'all
one decent, respectable citizen
to mentor you little dudes,
shit kinda broke my heart.
- What? - So, I decided to work out
a deal with the Los Angeles County
Community Outreach Program,
so you could have
football legend, Jaycen 'Two-J's' Jennings,
as your new head coach.
- Legend? - (BOYS EXCLAIM)
Man, get outta here, dawg.
Oh, shit, I know who he is.
Good lookin' out.
'Bout time y'all put some respect on my name.
Nah, he used a fake penis to cheat on drug tests.
- (BOYS LAUGH) - DWAYNE: You that same guy
who tried to have sex with a undercover cop
the night before a playoff game.
(BOYS EXCLAIM)
Yeah, and the dude who also...
Won one of these, you booger-nosed mothafuckas.
BOY 3: That's real? DWAYNE: Bro,
what's with you and all these random knockoff shit?
JAYCEN: Knockoff?
Nigga, my shit is 100% certified.
- You fuckin' loser. - Watch it, Jaycen.
They ain't won a game all season.
They're losers. It's just a fact.
Damn.
Let me get a picture with y'all real quick for Twitter.
TONY: What?
Anybody got, like, a clipboard or a whistle,
so I can look like I'm coaching for real?
TRE: Fake-ass coach, man.
- All right, fuck it. - TRE: No one wants you here.
Man, don't be no stranger to danger,
squeeze in for this fuckin' picture for Twitter,
- come on. - (BOYS GROAN)
Some of y'all gonna get some girlfriends
when I finish with this right here.
Come on, man, don't be flippin' me off, man,
- give me some real shit, man. - (CAMERA CLICKING)
Got 'em! Yes, sir.
Team dismissed.
What? We got a game against the best team
in the league this weekend.
And you haven't even seen us practice.
Go run them drills.
- Drills? - On the hop.
Let's go. On the hop means run, not walk.
Y'all got y'all a coach now, hurry up.
DWAYNE: I don't know, man, get your stuff, man.
- (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS) - And you, chocolate sundae.
What you doin' later tonight? Wanna grab a drink?
You still smoke?
"Blessed as fuck to share my greatness
"with the next generation.
"Prayer hands emoji.
"Hashtag, giving back is what I do.
"More than an athlete.
"Hashtag, poor kids need love too."
(LAUGHS)
Man, you really click in with them kids, huh?
It really look like I give a fuck about 'em, right?
(LAUGHS)
For real. For real, man. That's real.
Hey, man. I was thinkin' about
what you said about my life the other day,
and then boom, it hit me.
Assistant Coach Kareem.
(MIMICS WHOOSHING)
(LAUGHS)
I don't think it's gonna work, Kareem. That's not...
I don't know, man.
You offensive coach, I'm defensive coach.
Bam, we gonna be like Batman and Robin.
They gonna love it.
I like your thought process and your enthusiasm.
This is a career move. This is big for me, man.
But, homie, I'm workin'
on my clean-cut coaching brand right here.
Hey, man, don't say that, man, don't do that. Don't do that.
And you got a face full of tattoos, so...
Oh, you gonna unfollow me
- 'cause of that? - Yeah, yeah.
- That's petty. - You wanna play unfair?
- That's petty, that's petty. - You wanna play unfair?
- That's fuckin' petty. - What we doin'?
What you mean, "What we doin'?"
What we doin', man?
Nigga, you not the assistant coach.
(ALERT SOUNDS)
- Like that? - Yeah, it's like that.
Where the fuck is you going, cuz? This is my house.
- KAREEM: I'm 'bout to eat. - Hold on, cuz.
I'm taking the pizza poppers.
JAYCEN: Slow down, little nigga.
It's my mothafuckin' house.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Oh. Excuse me.
You the new coach?
Yeah, that's me. What, somebody talkin' me up?
Yeah. My son, Gary,
told me you made him run a lap.
I got my eye on you.
Oh, Gary, baby.
I got your inhaler on deck.
You just say the word and Momma be on that field
faster than you can say asthma attack.
(BOYS LAUGH, IMITATE WHEEZING)
CHERISE: All right, y'all.
You can grab your jerseys.
I got 'em all cleaned up for you.
You gonna look fantastic out there today.
Oh, uh-uh. Hell, no.
Wait a minute, let me see this shit.
Russell Athletics.
Faded numbers. No nicknames on the back.
This is garbage.
- This what we own? - They're the Green team.
Green team? We cool with Green team?
- Mm-hmm. - GARY: Actually,
I think it would be quite amazing
if we can name ourself The Dragons.
Man, quit it
with your Game of Thrones virgin-ass bullshit.
Tre, you're a virgin too. So be quiet.
- And watch your mouth. - (BOYS EXCLAIM)
This shit is depressing, man.
Okay, enough.
(HORN PLAYING TUNE)
(ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE BY SCORPIONS PLAYING)
BOY: Positions! Line up!
Now, that's how the fuck you supposed to look
when you come to a game. Just like that.
You dress the part, you play the part.
Oh, my God.
(SNIFFS)
Fuckin' Chip Collins.
- Colonels! - (BOYS GRUNT)
(BOYS SHOUTING)
BOY 2: Is that a freaking drill sergeant
coaching the team, what the hell?
CHIP: And what do men do? COLONELS: Dominate!
And what do men do?
Dominate!
And what do men...
Hold on. Is that...
Oh, my Lord, Two-J's.
Wow! You look, uh, like a couch, man.
Is everything okay?
Are you living in this park here?
I know they say that Black don't crack, but
I see some fractures in it right now.
I don't live in this park. I'm here working, coaching.
- You're... You're coaching? - Yes.
- Children? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, the community service thing.
'Cause you drive like Helen Keller. Gotcha.
- Fuck you, Chip. - Look,
I know, me and you haven't seen eye to eye on everything.
Okay, I've said some things. You've tweeted some things.
But let's put that aside
and focus on the real reason why we're here.
And what's that?
The positive PR we get from coaching peewee football.
(LAUGHING)
Joking, man. I'm joking.
No, the kids, we're here to save the kids,
you know, they'd be out there doing drive-bys
or whatever else you guys do in Long Beach.
We are here to be heroes.
You're a hero. Okay?
Government enforced, but you're still a hero.
I love you, man.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Stretch louder!
Bitch-ass, punk-ass bitch.
Get up,
get dressed, get up and get to it.
I don't got all day.
I did not come out here to lose
to no bitch-ass Chip Collins.
Man, we got no shot at winning this thing.
I mean, you see their team, they're huge.
I know, right?
I heard they only recruit high-school dudes.
I heard they lineman got a baby.
Man, who gives a fuck what they got?
Put y'all helmets on and don't fuckin' embarrass me.
Let's go, on the hop. Let's go!
WOMAN: Yeah, that's it!
COLONELS PLAYER: Hustle, hustle, hustle!
COLONELS PLAYER 2: Be ready, guys, be ready!
You are hungry. You are hungry.
- (COLONELS SHOUT IN UNISON) - (WHISTLE BLOWING)
Damn, he kicked the shit outta that.
TONY: I got it!
PLAYER: Come on! Defense!
- Ooh, shit. - (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Oh, come on, man.
Booyah! That's what I'm talkin' about.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Touchdown!
Hell of a start there.
First play?
Let's go! Oh, get some, little boy!
CHIP: You should call an ambulance.
Two hundred points off that kid's SAT score.
- Guaranteed. - (GROANING)
So, y'all don't know what the fuck "don't embarrass me" mean?
Damn!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - GARY: Tre, Tre, Tre.
- Let's go, Tre. - Go, go, go.
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS) - Oh, damn!
- (PLAYER GROANS) - Oh, sh... Oh!
Nice! Nice!
Do you have a knife wound in that shoulder?
(PLAYER SHOUTS)
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
- Hey! - That was filthy, young man.
JAYCEN: Catch him! He's so little!
Fuckin' scary, Rise.
We open.
God damn it, you wide open!
- Dang! - JAYCEN: Get that shit!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Get your ass up! Get up!
CHIP: Let's go, let's go, defense, markup!
Great hands! Bravo! Keep it up.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Look at this shit.
- (GRUNTS) - Whoo!
Coach, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't think I need this today.
PLAYER: Aah!
- Sorry mothafuckers! - Sorry, Coach.
God damn!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
TRE: Huddle! Huddle up, damn it. Come on.
TONY: What's the play?
The play is get outta my way and let me do my thing.
- Aight? - What?
- Break! - Bro, what?
TRE: I'mma handle this on my own.
- Let's go, Tre. - TRE: Down, set, hut!
(ENERGETIC HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
Ooh, shit! That little mothafucka go!
- Tre. - Come on, come on, come on.
What's going on over here?
Hey, where's that defense? Stop him.
- Go, go, go. - TRE: Fuck you!
- CHERISE: Yes! - Yes!
God damn!
CHIP: Hey, where's the defense?
What's going on over here?
Yeah, yes, to the house, Tre.
- (WHOOPS) Hell yeah! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yes! - (BOTH GRUNT)
JAYCEN: Yes, sir! COLONELS PLAYER: Quit it.
Hey, Cherise, you sure I ain't his daddy?
You wish.
Carl. Call that, Carl.
I got a personal foul.
Facemask on the offense.
Thank you, Carl.
- CARL: 15-yard penalty. - Come on!
- Replay third down. - Ref, are you blind?
It's okay, Tre. It's okay.
I got unsportsmanlike conduct.
- Oh, come on. - CARL: 15-yard penalty.
- I mean... - CHIP: Great job, Carl.
Sometimes the ref is the MVP.
Bro got a Mickey Mouse voice.
COLONELS PLAYER: (CHUCKLES) Fifty bucks, he hasn't even
- dropped his balls yet. - (PLAYERS CHUCKLE)
TRE: Drop this!
- (CLAMORING) - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
CHERISE: Hey!
What the fuck is you all doing?
CHIP: Hey! What is going on
- over here? - TONY: Fight!
All right. See, that's what happens
when you get Two-J's. Great job.
- Fuck! - GARY: I need my inhaler.
ESA: Gary!
CHIP: Absolute abomination. Okay?
But Two-J's got 'em doin'
the same thing that they would be doing
on the block right here on the field.
You a bitch, Chip!
That's it, that's it. I'm calling the game.
Oh, come on, ref! Nobody even fuckin' bleed!
That ain't the... (SCREAMS)
- God damn! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
(SCREAMING AND SOBBING)
Fuck!
Great job out there. I know, tough circumstances.
This is why you can't have
an egotistical maniac coaching peewee football.
"Hashtag, worst role model ever."
CHIP: Be very careful with Two-J's.
Guy's got gonorrhea again. Don't touch him,
- no hugging. All right? - REFEREE: Definitely.
Well, congratulations, you little assholes.
Got me looking like a straight mark
in front of the whole Internet.
DWAYNE: Bruh, they ain't even had beef!
Man, I'm out this bitch.
- Excuse me? - I'm done listening
to some washed-up loser, has-been coach.
Fuck you say to me, little nigga?
- Jaycen! - TRE: You heard me.
Go, go wait by the car.
Kid got a real fuckin' attitude problem.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
These little kids already have the world bringing them down,
they don't need you doing it too.
You really think you're better than everyone else
because you played for a professional sports team
over two decades ago?
It's like ever since you made
that stupid Hail Mary catch in high school,
you've turned your back on everybody
who ever helped you. Fuck you.
Helped me? Shit.
Ain't nobody help me!
I'm Jaycen Jennings. I don't owe nobody shit.
I'm self-made!
(FAINT CROWD CHEERING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- COACH: Man. - Man, I love you, Coach.
COACH: I love you too, son.
Way to go, superstar.
- We did it. - We did it.
You did it.
Jaycen?
What up, Coach Feis?
Jaycen-goddamn-Jennings.
Oh, man, good to see you, kid. It's been way too long.
Yeah, it has been a minute, right?
It's been... 20 years, Jaycen.
Jaycen? What happened to "superstar," Coach?
What's that?
Coach, you used to call me superstar.
Did I? Hmm.
Coach, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right. What's wrong with you?
Get your ass in here, why would I call you superstar?
What's all those F's on your tracksuit for?
- Reminds me of my report card. - (COACH FEIS CHUCKLES)
God damn, Coach,
this shit is exactly the way it was when I was here.
Coach, you ain't never really thought
about, like, upgrading your shit?
No.
Like your TV.
This is a Zenith. The desk.
This raggedy-ass couch.
I love that couch.
Come on, Coach, I used to cut class
and take naps on that couch right there.
Look at it now.
Duct tape on it, books holding up as a leg,
the shit is a mess.
You know what I think, Coach?
I think I should make a phone call to Italy 2000
and get you a brand-new couch up in here.
(CHUCKLES)
Get you spooned and groomed one time.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
No, no, forget about that. What about you?
What you been up to these past 20 years?
Shit.
Honestly, I'm here
because I don't know what the fuck I'm doin'.
(SCOFFS)
That I see.
"I see"? Come on, Coach.
Now, you know, you the only role model in my life.
Do you remember what you were like
when you showed up here
first practice of freshman year?
I don't know, like a baller from the jump,
a diamond in the rough?
Man, you were a pain in the ass.
Come on, Coach, see, that kinda talk
with you just dragging me like that,
how am I gonna buy you a couch?
You know what, Jaycen, I appreciate it,
but you know what, get off my couch, man. Fuck.
Hundreds of my players
have sat on that couch right there,
and they've come in here
and they've talked to me about their lives
and their dreams and their goals.
And you know better than anyone
that kids from this area,
they're underdogs in the world.
They grow up with not one advantage in life.
And sometimes, that door being open,
and that old couch right there,
might've been the only safe haven that those kids had.
So, when you come and talk to me
about buying me a new couch, yeah,
all right, maybe I need a new couch,
because that one's getting a little worn out.
But, to me, I'd prefer to give that couch a little TLC.
- Just a little love. - Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
You Jedi mind-tricking mothafucka, you, Coach.
I got it!
You tellin' me that just because
the kids that I'm coachin',
they may be raggedy and rough around the edges and shit...
Wait a minute, man, you're coaching?
But they require TLC.
And if I provide TLC, they can be just as good
as any team that's out there,
and that is the key
to becomin' a mothafuckin' role model.
I get you. I got you.
You the Gandhi of this mothafuckin' coaching shit.
That's all I needed, inspiration. I'm out.
(DOOR CLOSES)
THC is some shit. Wow.
- (WOMAN SCREAMS) - (ENGINE ROARING)
MAN: Crazy!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
BOY 1: He shouldn't even be here.
BOY 2: I don't want nothing to do with this guy.
This guy sucks.
Wassup, wassup?
Oh, I see y'all little angry about my tardiness.
Had that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach
of being abandoned again?
- DWAYNE: Yeah. - Well, good.
That's just the way I want you little assholes to feel.
BOY 3: Okay, what? JAYCEN: Now, when I first
started coaching this team,
I ain't believe in none of y'all.
Not even a li'l bit.
Until I got Jedi mind-tricked into realizing
that I underestimated y'all.
Same way niggas did me.
- (ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS) - See, we the same.
We underdogs.
The dog underneath the dog
that's always getting pissed and shitted on.
- Where's he getting at? - But today,
I'm done pissing and shitting on you kids.
Now, when I look at y'all now,
I don't see a bunch of assholes.
I see me, in every last one of y'all.
It ain't no limits to what y'all can do
with Jaycen Jennings on the sideline,
coaching and actually givin' a fuck.
BOY 4: Don't know what that means.
That's it? (SCOFFS)
That's your big speech?
So, you're just gonna
stop peeing and pooping all over us now?
Because you remember that you were an underdog?
Well, couldn't have said it better myself.
Corny as hell.
All right now, get your asses up, let's warm up.
Let's go.
What y'all sitting around for? Let's go!
Yeah, little mothafuckers.
- Warm up. - TONY: Who's that guy?
When Coach say, "Warm up," warm this mothafucker up!
Let's go, I'll pump that pistol
- up in here. Come on, get it. - BOYS: Go, go.
Get it. You think it's a game?
Boy, I'll lay your ass down right up in here, right now.
I will clear this whole mothafuckin' field out.
- DWAYNE: Go, go, go, go. - Kareem?
Hey, what's up, Cherise, baby?
Kareem, the fuck is you doin' here, man?
Hey, I know you say you ain't want me up here coaching
on a official capacity.
But you know what I mean?
I'm over here lingering in the periphial.
You feel me, cuz.
You hear me, I just wanted to come up here
and drop a few of them little gems
on the knowledge that I have
of the game. Hold up a minute.
Man, you look like you got a Pamper on!
Pick that shit up!
This how you gotta talk to 'em.
Hey, Cherise, are you single, baby?
- (CHUCKLES) - CHERISE: Oh.
- KAREEM: Oh, man. - (CHERISE CHUCKLES)
Nah, I'm just kidding, I know my man, J, tryna smash.
Check it out.
This book right here
gonna have y'all running schemes like a pro.
Yo, you don't got no trick plays up in here?
We don't need no goddamn trick plays.
But they're so fun.
Trick plays are dope as fuck though.
KAREEM: I like trick plays. I really do,
I love 'em. I love trick plays.
JAYCEN: Man, how the fuck you get a playbook?
I'm just saying, ain't no tables of contents
- or nothing up in here, babe. - Anyway,
this book right here took your boy,
Jaycen Jennings, to superstar, legendary status.
You mean a washed-up loser coaching peewee in Long Beach?
Nah, I'm talking about the nigga
that had your momma before she had you.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
Now learn the goddamn playbook
- and quit playin' so much. - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
TRE: Hut. TONY: Go.
- (TONY GRUNTS) - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Again. Till we get it right.
We not movin' on to the next play
till y'all get this shit right.
TRE: Hut.
(BOYS GRUNTING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- God damn it, Tony. - TRE: Hut.
(BOYS GRUNT)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Hand me that football.
BOY: Oh, man.
Hey, dawg, you ever touched a titty before?
- (TRE CHUCKLES) - What?
A titty. Have you ever touched a titty before...
- (BOYS LAUGH) - Be quiet.
You ever touch a titty before?
Man, of course I have.
So many titties, all sizes.
A, triple A, double D.
TRE: Man ain't never touched no titty.
Those are battery sizes.
Man, yes, I have.
Don't project your lack of titty touching onto me.
Come here, man, let me talk to you.
Look, this ball right here.
That's your titty.
You gotta hold it tight.
'Cause everybody wants your titty.
Do I have consent of touching the titty?
What you just say?
I'm not just gonna touch a titty
if it doesn't wanna be touched.
DWAYNE: Touching titties without consent
got my cousin 30 days in the county.
Oh, that's nice.
- Get your ass outta here. - (DWAYNE CHUCKLES)
You got my consent, okay?
Nice!
Let's run it again. Let's run it.
Hey, I like the titty thang, keep the titty thang, cuz.
- Fuck up. - Keep that titty thang, cuz.
Back in it. Back on line. Come on, y'all, run it again.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
The things you do in practice, you'll do in the game.
If you're sorry at practice,
you're gonna be sorry in the game.
Let's go, on the hop.
- (GRUNTS) - The fuck was that?
Come on, get it right.
- Yo! - JAYCEN: Get it together.
- One more time. Again. - (GRUNTS)
- God damn it. - KAREEM: Oh!
JAYCEN: No butter finger anymore.
- Ooh! - (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- (GRUNTS) - KAREEM: Oh!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - What the fuck?
That's why I can't stand your little ass.
- Hey! - JAYCEN: Come on, defense.
Make it look like something, let's go!
TRE: Hut.
(BOYS GRUNT)
- KAREEM: Oh! - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Little mothafucker came outta nowhere like a ghost.
- Yeah! - JAYCEN: See right there?
Everybody on the team need to be hitting
like this right here.
Hey, your new name is Ghost.
I see you in there.
Little homie, let me talk to you, come here.
Let's huddle up, little mothafuckers.
Look, you can't be the tiniest mothafucker
on the team and the softest, man.
Quick question, real quick.
Who's your favorite character on Game of Thrones?
Wait, what?
Do you like the midget who drinks the wine?
The tall blonde with the sword?
Or the sister-fucker with the iron hand?
Oh, my God!
- Coach, you're a fan... - Uh-uh-uh-uh...
Shut the fuck up. It's between me and you.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry.
I feel like I've always had a thing for the dragons.
So, I guess Drogon.
Yeah, definitely Drogon.
He's so badass and everyone's afraid...
That's what I'm looking for right there.
You take that spirit to the field
and you go full-on Drogon.
I want you flying around and burning up shit,
and make 'em respect your fire-breathing dragon ass.
- You hear me? - Yes, Coach! (ROARS)
I don't know what kinda inspirational bullshit
y'all working on over there,
but his goofy, nerdy ass gonna always be a bitch.
Tre, I'm fuckin' you up.
- Come on, run it. Run it. - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey, pick it up, you little fat mothafucker,
pick it up!
Damn.
- You not going pro. - (BOYS GROANING)
Right now you sorry.
I'm sorry I'm coaching you sorry mothafuckers. Let's go.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) If the ball hits your hand,
you're supposed to pick it up. Y'all know the rule.
Yell bingo on the pick.
- TRE: Go! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Oh, pick that up. KAREEM: Oh!
JAYCEN: (BLOWS WHISTLE) God damn it, sticky fingers.
Run it one more time. Let me see
if this mothafucker can get it right. Let's go.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Let's make a play, pretty boy.
KAREEM: Come on, what the fuck is that?
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Hey, pretty boy!
- You! - DWAYNE: Me?
Bring your ass over here!
You missing pass after pass,
you got on all this sweet-ass shit.
KAREEM: I dig this.
You know what, every time you fuck up,
we taking off some of that swag you got on.
And come to think of it,
you always talkin' that knockoff shit,
but you the only mothafucker out here wearing fake shit.
- Me? - JAYCEN: Yeah, you.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Well, we know what
- you talkin' about. Yeah! - Hey, hey, quit playin'.
Nah, ain't no "quit playin'."
The next time you come out here
acting like a fake-ass rapper,
and you can't back it up out on the field,
we gonna kick your little ass off the field.
- Ain't that right, Coach J? - That's a fact.
You outta here. Now get on over there, man.
DWAYNE: Damn!
Stop acting like you got a album coming out!
JAYCEN: Bingo. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- (KAREEM GROANS) - Come here, something else.
- Bring that shit to me. - KAREEM: Run it, run it.
JAYCEN: Took a long time putting this shit on,
now take it off.
There it go, right in your hands. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Bring your sorry ass over here. I need the wristband.
KAREEM: Come on, whip out of 'em.
JAYCEN: It gonna look good on me. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Uh-uh, he needs something too,
he wanna go to the club, give me that armband.
KAREEM: You gonna learn today. Thank you.
JAYCEN: (BLOWS WHISTLE) Take the helmet off,
I want that durag. Take it off.
KAREEM: We just here to take it, baby.
JAYCEN: Keep fuckin' up, you're gonna be
- naked out here. - (DWAYNE GRUNTS)
I'mma take them beads out his mothafuckin' head next time.
Let's go. With your Stevie-Wonder-looking ass.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey!
- Jaycen. - What up?
A few of the kids need a ride home.
Any way I can trust you to get them home safely?
No fucking way. I'm not finna
have those little dirty-ass booger eaters
fuckin' up my midnight black leather.
Jaycen, I have to go to work.
And your players need their coach
to give them a ride home.
Can you do that,
Coach?
Sure. Anything for the children.
Fuck that leather. It's only cow, right?
Yep.
(BLESSED BY SHENSEEA AND TYGA PLAYING)
You got this grandpa black interior?
- This shit is trash. - (DWAYNE CHUCKLES)
Yo, Coach, you dropping me off first, right?
I gotta piss.
Nah, forget that. Hold it.
I can't.
'Cause you got a little-ass dick.
Hey! What's that gotta do with anything?
The bigger your dick, the longer you can hold it.
DWAYNE: That makes sense to me.
I'm pretty sure that's not how penises work.
Hey, hey, hey, enough with that shit, man.
That's all y'all wanna talk about is dicks and shit.
Shut the fuck up and talk about some girls
or fuckin' cartoons or something.
Little dick say what?
- What? - You said what.
- (BOYS EXCLAIMING) - We got him.
DWAYNE: That's the oldest trick in the book.
TRE: Okay.
With your Squid Game lookin' ass. (BOYS LAUGH)
All right, see you later, Tony.
TONY: See you, guys. TRE: Bye, Tony.
- GARY: See ya. - Hey, Tony.
You're gonna just leave your shit in my car?
Uh, I'll just pick it up from you next practice.
- (DWAYNE CHUCKLES) - See you, Coach.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - What was that about?
His parents think he at Mathletes practice.
What the fuck is a Mathlete?
Only the coolest after-school club
with the cleverest play on words ever.
I hate you so much.
GARY: Hate the player. Wait, no. Hate the game.
JAYCEN: Hate the player, not the game.
TRE: Not the game. (CHUCKLES)
(BLESSED BY SHENSEEA AND TYGA CONTINUES PLAYING)
DWAYNE: Thanks for the ride. Hey, it's cool right here.
My house is, like, right down the street.
Come on, Dwayne, it's raining outside.
I can't leave you out here like that.
Nah, nah, it's cool.
I'mma just, um, pop up in there
and cop me some kickstarter cleat.
Okay.
All right. You get that.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CHUCKLES)
(BLESSED BY SHENSEEA AND TYGA CONTINUES PLAYING)
And we lit tonight, don't worry 'bout tomorrow
When she with me, she feel like she hit the lotto
And when I walk out, the tings, they gon' follow
- Bitch, I'm the - Best
Best, best, best, best, best, best
Way too blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed
Blessed, blessed, blessed
Bitch, I'm the best
Best, best, best, best, best, best
Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat, ah!
JAYCEN: All right, y'all.
You got pro caliber plays.
A hell of a coach/role model.
(CHUCKLES) And now...
you got these.
- DWAYNE: Hey, that's crazy! - (BOYS EXCLAIMING)
- GARY: Look at those helmets. - Whoa!
Yeah, $10,000 jerseys for y'all.
Are you tryna buy us off now?
- Shit, I ain't mad at it. - JAYCEN: Thank you.
Drogon.
- BOY: Ooh! - House of Dragons style.
- No way! - JAYCEN: Pretty boy.
Now you look the part
- and you can play the part. - Okay.
My favorite, Titties.
- (ALL CHUCKLING) - The mysterious Ghost.
And this one for you, Superstar.
And let's see who else we got.
So, is there a reason why the word "Underdoggs"
has two Gs in it?
Two Gs?
KAREEM: Yeah!
- I got the two Gs right here. - (DOGS BARKING)
- TONY: Shit! - (BOYS CLAMORING)
- Meet Killa and Skrilla! - (BARKING)
Two dogs for two Gs. You get it?
Kareem, what the fuck is you doing?
I found 'em chained up
in the back of the Wienerschnitzel.
Get these fuckin' dogs outta here,
I'm tryna coach football.
The dogs like football too.
- (DOG BARKS, GROWLS) - Man, have a heart.
(CHAMPION BY BOOK & HAVIAH MIGHTY PLAYS)
I'm a Champion all day, born this way, what about you?
JAYCEN: Mm-hmm. That's what I'm talking about.
Look the part, you play the part.
The way y'all look right now, I see no excuse
for the Underdoggs not to go out there
and get our first mothafuckin' win of the season.
BOYS: Yeah! Yeah!
Let's go. Underdoggs, on me, "Underdoggs" on three. One...
Let's just get that shit over with.
Damn, I'mma have to carry your asses anyway.
- (BOYS PROTESTING) - GARY: Hater.
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
KAREEM: Let's make a play.
Do you understand what you got goin' on here?
- We are fuckin' losers. - Hey!
KAREEM: Losers. TRE: Hut!
- Get it off! Get it off! - TONY: Here!
JAYCEN: Get it off! Let it go!
- What are you doing? - BOTH: Throw the ball!
Stop being a fuckin' hotdog, throw the ball.
- (PLAYERS GRUNT) - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
KAREEM: What the hell's wrong with you?
Your daddy should've pulled out.
- Coach, come on. - TRE: Hut.
JAYCEN: Yo, make the play, Gary.
- (GARY SCREAMS) - KAREEM: What you doing?
- What you doing? - God damn it!
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
Oh, my God! He did it again.
TONY: Here! Here! JAYCEN: Hit that shit.
TONY: Throw the ball!
JAYCEN: Give him the ball, Tre.
- Throw the goddamn ball! - KAREEM: Oh, man!
You're a hardheaded-ass quarterback.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Let's go, baby. - Hey!
Come on, little asshole. Run the goddamn play.
TRE: Set.
Hut!
Tony, hit that shit. God damn!
What the fuck is you doing, Tre?
BEARS PLAYER: I got him!
Fuck!
Hey, man. That was supposed to be a handoff.
You think I'd ever hand it off to you?
- Screw you! - TRE: The fuck!
- TONY: Get off me! - (WHISTLE BLOWING)
KAREEM: What're y'all doin'?
TONY: Fight for real, man!
GARY: Watch it!
- Come here, come here. - TRE: Back up!
What's your problem?
Get off of me! Let me go!
Bro, man, let me go.
This shit ends right here and right mothafuckin' now.
I've been givin' your little ass a pass
'cause you Cherise's kid and all,
but you're making it difficult as fuck right now
for me and your teammates, and we sick of your shit.
Man, fuck you!
And my teammates, everybody!
I don't owe nobody shit.
I'm self-made.
You sound just like me.
TRE: I ain't nothing like you.
You're a washed-up loser.
Yeah. You're right.
I am.
You wanna know how I became a loser?
By doing the same dumbass shit you doing right now.
No wonder why nobody wanted to fuckin' play with me.
Shit is fuckin' irritating.
You know something though, Tre?
If you really wanna win a game,
stop pushing away
all the mothafuckers that's on your team.
But if you ultimately wanna become a loser,
keep doing the same dumbass shit that I did.
(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)
Remember when in Season 3, when Khaleesi burns
the slaver's village to the ground?
BOY: What is he talking about?
Oh, my God. You're a fan?
Make them bend their mothafuckin' knee.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
All right?
And you,
take care of that titty.
- Yeah, your titty, man. - TRE: All right?
"Underdoggs" on three. One, two, three.
- Underdoggs! - ALL: Underdoggs!
- Come on, Tre. - (CROWD CHEERING)
Stop fighting. Run the goddamn play.
TRE: Set.
Down.
Hut!
GARY: Dracarys!
(GARY ROARING)
- JAYCEN: Good block, Gary! - Yes, yes, yes!
Go, Tony, go!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, oh. - JAYCEN: God damn it,
good move! Good shit, baby!
(CHEERING)
ESA: Whoo!
Hold them titties. Tony, hold them titties.
This is my titty, this is my titty!
- To the house, to the house! - This is my titty!
- To the mothafuckin' house! - This is my titty,
- this is my titty! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- CHERISE: Yeah! - Yeah!
REFEREE: Touchdown!
- Yes! - Yeah!
TONY: That's what I'm talking about, man.
BOTH: Hey, hey, whoo,
- whoo, hee, hee, yay! - The two Js?
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Excessive celebration.
- 15-yard penalty... - Fuck you, ref!
- ...enforced on the kickoff. - We don't give a fuck.
Underdoggs celebrate, get used to it.
We'll be back. Let's go!
Yo, Tre, shake that shit!
(MAKE WAY FOR THE KING BY OHANA BAM PLAYING)
- Yes, yes, go to the house! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Good shit! Yeah!
- ALL: Hey, hey, hey! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Eff your flag. Let's go!
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
Good block. Yes, sir!
Make the play. Go!
- Let's go! - REFEREE: Touchdown!
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
JAYCEN: To the house! To the house!
Great run, Gary.
TONY: This is my titty!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Way to go, Tony!
REFEREE: Touchdown! JAYCEN: Fuck yeah!
That's what I'm talking about. Teamwork make a dream work.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Good shit, Superstar.
- GARY: Yeah! - Yeah, whatever.
You're still a washed-up loser.
CHERISE: Come here.
Come here!
I used to run track, you know, that's why you fast like that.
(LAUGHS)
(MERRY GO ROUND BY CHOC PLAYING)
DWAYNE: Good game today, Coach. Thanks for the ride.
This cool.
Thanks, Coach.
I'mma just pop up in here and cop
- me some new shoes real quick. - Me some new shoes real quick.
Man, no, you not.
Hmm. You know, when I was your age,
this store used to be 7-Eleven.
And every day the school bus dropped me off,
I race up in that mothafucker,
get me some Swishers or some condoms or whatever,
but I never actually bought anything.
I was just puttin' on a front,
so nobody'd see me walkin' home
to that trailer park around the corner.
(SCOFFS)
The trailer park around the corner?
Damn, I didn't even know that.
Come on, cuz, are you crazy?
You tell everybody on the team that you gonna
get you a new pair of shoes every day.
You think we don't recognize
when you never show up with none?
(SIGHS) All right, fine.
It's just... (SIGHS)
It's kinda embarrassing to be the brokest kid
on a team of broke-ass kids.
Ain't nothin' to be embarrassed about.
The best underdog stories
start out just like me and you. You feel me?
You used to live in a trailer park too?
Lot 4, unit C.
That was me.
All right, Coach.
You can just take me home.
(JAYCEN CHUCKLES)
Nah, think I got a better idea.
(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS)
PLAYER 1: Set! Hut! KAREEM: Let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, defense, lock up.
KAREEM: Defense! DWAYNE: Bingo!
Pick that shit up, Dwayne, to the mothafuckin' house!
- Yes! - Go! Go! Go!
JAYCEN: Yes! Yes!
- Yes! - Yeah!
Yes, way to go, Dwayne!
(EXCITING MUSIC CONTINUES)
Yeah! Pretty Boy!
Turns out, bein' an incredible
- role model... - Yeah!
...well, that shit is easy as a mothafucker.
Just be real about who you are,
and suddenly all of them kids you inspired,
they gonna show the world who they really be.
MAN: Tony?
Mom, Dad.
What are you guys doing here?
We just got a call from a man named Jaycen.
He said he was your coach and that you had a game today?
Fuck it.
I haven't been going to Mathletes practice, okay?
I never even signed up for that stupid club.
I play football.
I love football.
I'm actually pretty good at it.
Even though I still fumble, which I'm improving on,
especially if I imagine the ball is a titty.
I know you're super mad at me right now,
but if you could just not be and let me play,
that would be really dope, okay?
Are you still gonna get straight A's in school?
Yeah.
Okay. Have fun.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
JAYCEN: Inspired not to be little bitches
in front of their parents.
Does his jersey say "Titties"?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Inspired to shock the world.
PLAYER: Set! Hut!
JAYCEN: Let's go, defense. Let's go!
(GRUNTS)
Yes! Way to go, Ghost!
Go! Hit that shit!
- (GRUNTS) - Yes! Good shit!
Make the play!
- Hit it, Ghost! - (GRUNTS)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Yes!
- (TEAM CHEERING) - (PLAYER GROANING)
- (CHEERING STOPS) - WOMAN: Get outta here!
- She's a girl! (SCREAMS) - She's a girl.
(CHERISE AND ESA LAUGH EXCITEDLY)
Oh, shit!
Fantastic.
ESA: Gary! I love you, baby,
but Momma's got a new favorite player. Yes, ma'am!
(CHERISE AND ESA SQUEAL)
You can let your hair down now, baby girl.
TEAM: Yeah!
(TEAM CHEERS AND LAUGHS)
So, to all you selfish assholes out there,
just keep it real.
And if you do that,
then you can become an inspiration,
just like I did.
(FRIENDS & FAMILY BY THE ISLEY BROTHER PLAYING)
Break out the food and the drinks
- It's gonna be a party - Well
Turn up the music real loud
- Invite everybody - Well
Go right 'head and smoke and play some cards
- Just make yourself at home - Yeah
It's okay to take somebody's hand
And get your groove on
- We're all up in here - Woah
- Timing couldn't be better - Yeah
I love to see my people come together
- Talkin' 'bout friends - Yeah
- Friends - Oh, and family
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I'm talkin' 'bout friends
Friends and family
- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh - Oh
Now everyone is getting along
- Yeah - The feeling in here
- Is so awesome - Well
Why don't we just go on and call this party
- A world reunion? - Yeah
- We're all up in here - Woah-oh
Timing couldn't be better
JAYCEN: Here's my hot wheel collection.
CHERISE: Do you need to add a few more?
JAYCEN: Probably about five or six more.
- Yeah, I would say so. - (CHUCKLES)
- I was kidding. - Oh.
That...
Is that Big Shirley?
JAYCEN: Yeah, you know damn well
I wasn't gonna get rid of Big Shirley.
Wait, is it actually the same car
from high school or did you...
It is the exact same car that me and you used to...
Uh-huh. Yeah, I got it.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So many memories in this car.
Oh, wow.
Cherise, do you realize
this is the first time in so many years
that me and you have actually been in a room alone?
Don't be nasty now.
I'm just saying.
We can finally talk. Get caught up.
Talk about the things you've been doing.
You know, places you've been.
The men you've been with after I broke up with you.
(CHUCKLES)
I still find it hilarious to this day
that you think you broke up with me.
'Cause I did.
You didn't though.
But, you know what, you're too much
of a insufferable egomaniac to admit it, so...
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
Okay. Hypothetically,
let's say if I was to say it for the first time, out loud,
that you did actually break up with me,
what would you say?
I'd say that was a really hard time for me.
I was so proud of you
and everything you accomplished, but
I had my own goals and dreams,
and I couldn't spend the rest of my life
being your plus-one.
And for the record, I told you all of that.
But all you just kept saying was, I was...
jealous of your shine.
Which was, you know,
hurtful.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Hypothetically. (CLEARS THROAT)
Anyways, um,
I really should go check on the kids.
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
DWAYNE: Hold on, watch this, watch this.
GARY: No, give me a second time.
One more time, one more time. One more time, one more.
(CHUCKLES)
Ayo, Ghost, do we have to,
like, not use words like "bitch"
- when we're around you? - DWAYNE: Dude.
Or "titties," I mean,
I gotta be able to say "titties," right?
Bro, you're making this so weird right now.
You're makin' it weird by sayin' I'm makin' it weird.
Yo, you are all making this weird.
So, stop being such bitches. Jeez.
- Who she say that to? - TONY: Whatever.
TRE: Man, nobody listens to her, for real.
GARY: Yo, what's she doing?
TONY: Bro, she's drinking.
GARY: No way!
She just drunk it.
She's gonna end up like Kareem, bro.
(BURPS)
(CHUCKLES)
What?
Say what?
(EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
(BOYS YELL)
(SHOUTING)
(ALL SHOUT)
(ALL CHANTING)
(SHOUTING)
Cherise, let me holla at you real quick.
Look,
I know this is probably coming way too late,
but, um, just so you know,
every girl I was with after you,
I thought about you the whole time.
(SMACKS LIPS, INHALES SHARPLY)
That's disturbing.
And a little flattering.
No.
- (CHUCKLES) - Not even a little.
Nah, but, uh, either way,
I'm sorry.
For pushing you away and not supporting you.
For real.
Thank you.
Means a lot.
- Questions. - Mm-hmm.
Wha... Who is that?
That's Two-J's, what do you mean?
- (LAUGHS) - What? That's me, baby.
I mean, I don't remember the booty being like...
What, that's me, what are you talkin' about?
I mean, I wish. No, I mean...
You wish that my thing was like that?
(LAUGHS) No, I mean, I shouldn't even be...
Where are the kids?
GARY: Oh, I see a goldfish.
I'mma try and hit it.
DWAYNE: Yo, watch your aim! TRE: Oh, shit. My bad, bro.
Oh, my God!
(GHOST GASPS)
I know y'all not pissin' in my mothafuckin' pool
with y'all little drunk asses.
Everybody out the pool. Now!
You heard what she said, get the fuck out my pool
- with your little drunk asses. - I saw you peeing.
You're all grounded. I expected way more. Way more.
Kareem, nigga, wake your ass up!
Ahhh! Sorry, Momma!
Cuz, the kids been drinkin'.
Come on, dawg, don't go there.
We used to dip our blunts in lighter fluid.
That's basically PCP.
Don't go there, talkin' 'bout "Kareem."
Their parents gonna whoop their ass anyway.
JAYCEN: I wanna dedicate this episode
to the Honorable Judge Tara.
- Fuck yeah! Way to go, baby. - (CROWD CHEERING)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Who knew my calling
even before I did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who would've thought
that pickin' up dog shit would be so enlightening.
Looks like that bus
knocked some sense into that head of yours.
JAYCEN: Yeah! Take 'em out!
Go! Go!
- Weak-ass coaches. - Damn it!
Yeah, nigga, fuck y'all,
Underdoggs, nigga, what's happenin'?
It's a beautiful day to see my brother,
Two-J's, drop his ego,
and commit to coaching
these little brothers and sisters like no other.
And today, we celebrate with our favorite food!
What we eatin', y'all?
TEAM: Raising Cane's!
So I wanna give a double shoutout
to my main man, Todd Graves, for makin' it happen.
The CEO, Todd, what's happenin', baby?
- Yeah! - (ALL CHEERING)
JAYCEN: The Underdoggs keep improving
and they keep on winning.
REFEREE: Touchdown!
JAYCEN: Celebrate, God damn it!
TONY: This is my titty!
JAYCEN: And Titties hasn't dropped the ball once.
GARY: Dracarys!
JAYCEN: Check this out.
These little assholes have a bigger fanbase than me.
(CHUCKLES) Can you believe that?
I mean, how desperate is this man for attention?
Maybe it's too much cannabis.
Clearly this is a PR stunt.
- Pop, pop, pop. - JAYCEN: Even the Two-J's
made a comeback.
I'm really feelin' the love, y'all.
CHIP: We're here for the love of the game,
not the love of ganja.
Put it down.
JAYCEN: Well, almost everyone. (CHUCKLES)
And our last win brings us not only to the championship,
but ironically, face to face
with that bitch-ass, punk-ass bitch, Chip Collins.
Which brings me to my next lesson for the kids, revenge.
(CHUCKLES)
Hashtag,
best mothafuckin' role model ever.
Now, how about that?
(KIDS CHUCKLING)
TRE: Hey, man.
Here, I got you.
GHOST: Hey, Tre, Tre. BOY: Pass it up.
- JAYCEN: Yo, Ghost. - Ghost, right here,
- right here. - Ball up!
- BOY: Ooh! - Damn!
God damn! Shit!
You just threw that thing like 40 yards, easy?
GHOST: And? JAYCEN: All right, y'all.
Warm up. Last practice before the championship.
- Let's get cracking! - Round up, hurry up!
Team momma, what's happening?
CHERISE: What's up? Ahh!
So, apparently,
Chip Collins has been talking a lot of shit about you
- on his show lately. - Don't tell me
you've been listening to that garbage, Cherise!
(CHUCKLES) I mean, what choice do I have?
My favorite podcast got soft on me.
- (CHUCKLES) - Talking about unity
and working together.
Where else am I supposed to indulge
my guilty pleasure of listening
to some hot-shit asshole blow smoke every day?
Did I hear you say "favorite podcast"?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Yeah, hold on, let me take this call, Rise, real quick.
- Yo! - RYAN: Hey, there he is!
Number-one client on my call sheet.
Mm-hmm.
RYAN: Okay. So, you ready? I just got back
from deep sea fishing off the coast of Catalina
on Bob Iger's yacht,
and I'm sitting there talkin'
to my ex-roommate from Dartmouth, who happens to be
Rupert Murdoch's stepson,
the woke one though, don't worry.
He tells me that he is a big fan of yours,
and he's been following the thing
you're doing with those kids, the big dogs.
The Underdoggs.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And he's, like, shaking up, man,
he's getting so misty-eyed
that he's telling me that it makes him
want to be a better role model.
- Damn, that's... - Hilarious. I know,
he's so full of shit.
The point is, he knows
your brand is fucking gold right now.
So, he had his team at Fox run the numbers, turns out,
more people like you than hate you now.
So, this guy is begging me
to do business with you, like, begging me.
Don't fuck with me, mothafucker, cuz,
don't fuck with me, cuz.
I fuck with you not.
You're ready for the kicker?
Fox Sports is offering you your very own weekly show.
I'm looking at the contract right now.
Finally, yes!
What did I tell you, bro?
America loves poor kids.
Let's go, baby! Let's go!
Yes! Yes!
KAREEM: Damn, bro, why you over here
Tiger Woods fist pumping?
JAYCEN: Aye, Kaufmoney.
Do you mind repeating what you just said?
Oh, I will repeat it.
Jaycen 'Two-J's' Jennings
is getting his very own show on Fox Sports this fall.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's amazing!
DWAYNE: That's what I'm talkin' about, man.
You better put my highlights on daily.
- (KIDS LAUGH) - Hey, so congrats, man.
Listen, it's all gonna move pretty fast, okay?
My assistant's emailing you right now.
They want you on Fox Sports this Sunday
to make the announcement and guest host.
- No, no, no... - DWAYNE: Game's on Sunday.
...that shit ain't gonna work. Sunday not gonna work for me.
You gonna have to call 'em and reschedule that.
Hey, no, no, no, don't pull this, man.
You have any idea
how tough it was for me to convince them,
that you wouldn't pull any diva shit?
Look, the Underdoggs got
a championship game to win this Sunday.
No, I don't think you fuckin' understand, I don't care
if it's your mother's funeral.
Do you understand that? If you don't show up to set,
this is all over.
It's finished. Your credibility,
the show, all of it.
Do you get that?
Oh, hell nah, hang up or something.
BOY: Yo, cancel that.
- Let me call you back, Kauff. - Wait, wait, do not...
(HANGS UP)
BOY 2: That's our game, man.
BOY 3: We got a chance at the game.
BOY 4: Don't do this to us.
We got the championship game, man.
- Jaycen? - What?
You're gonna screw us over like every other coach.
That's what.
Another one.
This is bullshit.
Come on, man, y'all gotta just let me think, man.
About what? Leaving us?
About my life, dawg.
I've been out here coaching y'all,
but this phone call I got is what I've been waitin' on.
What you expect me to do?
I've been out here livin' this basic-ass retirement life.
- I'm sick of that shit. - KAREEM: Damn.
I'm sorry. I ain't realize
it was making you miserable
hanging around basic-ass people.
Man, that ain't what I said.
No, that's exactly what you said.
What, y'all bein' real fucking selfish right now.
BOY 1: Yeah.
This is my dream come true right here.
BOY 4: Damn.
Man, forget this.
Like that? For real?
After all I did for these kids,
that's how y'all gonna do me?
Y'all gonna let these ungrateful kids
do me like this?
BOY 4: How you gonna do us like that?
There you go.
That's the JJ I know.
You know, for a second...
I actually thought you wanted to help them.
Just for a second.
I feel stupid.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
KAREEM: Damn, cuz.
Emilio Estevez gonna be real disappointed.
(SIGHS)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)
Fuck.
Tre! Tre!
Hey, Tre! Hey!
It's okay.
(TRE CRYING)
Yo, Coach! I'm not crazy. Right? Right?
I mean, ever since you Jedi mind-tricked me
with all that poor-ass couch and kid talk,
I've been nothing but a positive role model
to them kids, man.
And now my shit blowin' up,
they want me to stop what I'm doin',
continue doin' what I'm doin' with them
and put my shit on pause.
What the fuck kinda shit is that?
Listen, man, I'm sorry, Jaycen.
I mean, it's been a long day for me.
But I gotta get home to my family.
- You'll figure it out. - Come on.
Family, Coach?
Hey, feel free to use that couch.
Fuck that couch!
(SIGHS)
Damn, Jaycen.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Everybody, welcome to
the Long Beach Youth Football League Championship.
Once again, we have
the undefeated Colonels looking to...
Punish them for their sins.
COLONELS: Sinners!
- Slit their throats. - COLONELS: Throats!
CHIP: And what do men do? COLONELS: Dominate!
- And what do men do? - Dominate!
CHIP: Heads on spikes!
Yo, is it just me or do they look like they got bigger?
- Heads on spikes! - Heads on spikes!
Heads on spikes!
Okay, bring it in for a prayer, guys. Come on in.
All right, all right, y'all, hey, y'all, gather around.
Let's gather around. Let's get it together.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, now kids.
I know y'all haven't had
the best choices of coaches at this point.
But I just wanna thank you little mothafuckers
(VOICE CRACKS) from the bottom of my heart
for accepting me
and lettin' me be y'all coach at this... (VOICE BREAKS)
I'm gettin' emotional.
Kareem, don't do it.
Kareem, get yourself together. Kareem.
- Breathe. - CHERISE: It's okay, Kareem.
(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)
CURT: Welcome to Fox Football Sunday.
I'm Curt Menefee, alongside Terry Bradshaw,
Michael Strahan, Howie Long,
and joining us as a guest host for the week
is a man who really needs no introduction.
Always going above and beyond
the call of community service,
he's captured the hearts and the minds
of the entire sports world,
inspiring us all,
forming a bond with these incredible kids
that can never be broken.
Here at Fox Sports,
we consider ourselves a family,
and we couldn't be more excited
to welcome into our Fox family,
not just one of the greatest players of all time,
but one of the best people.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the new host of FS1's
You Don't Want That Smoke with Jaycen Jennings,
the one and only Jaycen Jennings. Welcome, JJ.
- Yeah. - Welcome.
Two-J's! Welcome to the Fox Family, man.
(SIGHS)
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I gotta get home to my family.
Family.
(CHUCKLES) Family.
I gotta piss. I'll be right back.
Hey, I told you we shouldn't hire him.
- I never liked his ass... - I told you.
...when he played.
And I sure as hell
- don't like him now. - Right.
Why don't we take a quick, uh, commercial break?
Oh, that was all on camera
while we just said all that? (LAUGHS)
CHIP: Thank you, Father, so much
for inventing a hard plastic
that we can slam into our opponents' faces,
causing irreparable damage to their brains.
KAREEM: Now, I got a gang
of inspirational speeches for y'all,
to bring y'all together.
If I can find the mothafucker, they in my pocket somewhere.
Oh, shit. Oh, you don't need to see that.
There you are.
Vince Lombardi once said,
"The blood of a covenant is thicker than a bitch."
- (CHERISE GRUNTS) - Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, Cherise.
No, Vince Lombardi once said,
-"The blood of a covenant..." - JAYCEN: "Of a covenant...
"is thicker than the water of the womb."
Damn, bro.
Actually, that wasn't Lombardi.
That was God. In the Bible.
He looks like a Black Princess Leia.
Gotta be hot in that fuckin' jacket.
Why are you even here?
Good question, Superstar.
I was in the midst of my triumphant television debut,
when all of a sudden I told America I had to take a piss.
But really, it was just an excuse
so I can get up outta there
and get down here and talk to you kids.
And why the hell would you do that?
Another excellent question, Titties.
Let me tell you why.
Family.
A word that a lot of people take for granted.
You know, some would say, "Who needs family
"when you got money, fame, and your own TV talk show?"
You know, I was at the pinnacle of my comeback
when gap-tooth wearin' ass Michael Strahan told me
I was about to become a part of his family.
But you see,
he ain't a part of my family.
Y'all are.
That's what Coach Feis was tryna tell me
this whole damn time.
Was I needed to find my way back home
and get to my family.
Sorry I messed up.
Won't happen again.
So, what's up, family?
Anybody down to go whoop
on some bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
and win a championship or what?
(HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Fuck, let's get it!
Underdoggs, on me.
"Underdoggs" on three.
ALL: One, two, three, Underdoggs!
I could've never said a speech like that, J.
Where you going, cuz?
I need you on the sideline for this one, Coach.
Oh! "Assistant Coach Kareem"!
In Old English letters, just like you like it.
Momma! We made it!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (BOTH BARK)
Let's go!
- COLONELS PLAYER: Ready? - (COLONELS GRUNT)
God bless America.
God bless the Colonels.
God bless Long Beach, the nicer parts.
Bitch-ass, punk-ass bitch!
- (CROWD CHEERING) - Let's go!
Let's go, Underdoggs!
Run that offense, Tre.
Down! Set!
(MIMICS BARKING)
Hut!
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
- ESA: Come on, Gary! Get it! - (GARY ROARING)
Good block! Good fuckin' block!
- TONY'S MOM: Yeah! Go, go, go! - JAYCEN: Hit that shit, Tony!
- Go! Go! - Ooh, ooh!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yeah! Yes! - (ALL CHEERING)
- Way to go! Hell yeah! - Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
- CHERISE: Yes! - Ref! Carl!
- CARL: No touchdown. - What the fuck?
I got a holding on the offense.
That's a 10-yard penalty.
Replay, second down.
Ain't that the same mothafuckin' ref
that got knocked out the last time we played him?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hell yeah.
Aye, ref.
If you take that Slick Rick patch off your eye,
you'll see you made the wrong call.
Okay, that's what we like to see.
You lose an eye, the other one gets stronger.
COLONELS PLAYER: Go! JAYCEN: Lock up, lock up.
Defense!
CHIP: Oh, hey.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - CARL: Touchdown!
CHIP: Touchdown!
Justice is served.
CHERISE: Let's go, let's go, Underdoggs.
- Let's go. Let's go. - ESA: You're still in it.
COLONELS PLAYER: Set...
JAYCEN: Let's go, D.
Go!
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
Let's go, let's go, defense, lock up, lock up!
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
GHOST: Yeah! CHERISE: Yes!
- Boom! - Yeah. Dick in the dirt!
CHIP: It's a lady, Timmy!
You want a lady to lay you on your back like that,
I'll take you to Vegas.
I got a personal foul.
- Unnecessary roughness. - CHERISE: It's a foul.
- CARL: On the defense. - Oh, come on.
KAREEM: Come on, man. CARL: Number 42.
That's some solid officiating, Carl.
These animals have been getting away
with murder all season.
CHERISE: Shake it off, guys!
(GHOST GRUNTS)
- Hut! - (PLAYERS GRUNTING)
Let's go, Tre. Pass, pass!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
That's holding on the offense.
No touchdown.
Get your ass back to the Footlocker.
COLONELS PLAYER: Go!
JAYCEN: Let's go, defense! Catch him, catch him!
Get the fuckin' ball!
- CHIP: Booyah! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
CARL: Touchdown! CHIP: Touchdown!
(CROWD CHEERS)
When God is on your side, you cannot fail.
Hut!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- CARL: Offsides. - Really?
JAYCEN: Oh, it's a pass, pass, pass.
CHIP: What's going on over here?
- Personal foul... - PLAYER: Come on!
- ...roughing the passer. - Great call, ref.
JAYCEN: Red's on D, red's on D.
Lock up, lock up!
Oh, it's a pass, pass, pass!
- Pick that shit up! - CHERISE: Go, go, go!
- Yeah! - Good defense, Dwayne.
- Good, D. - Pass interference.
- Foul. - Oh, come on,
with the late-flag shit, ref.
I ain't even touch him.
JAYCEN: Go, go, get that shit.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) I got a false start.
- Come on. - CARL: Clipping.
- You're a ref for both sides! - CARL: Roughin' the passer.
Come on!
That one eye's working overtime.
CARL: No touchdown.
Automatic first down.
That's the type of officiating we like. Keep it up.
How much you pay the ref, Chip?
(HALFTIME WHISTLE BLOWS)
Listen up.
I ain't gonna hold you.
We in a tough spot.
How we gonna win if they keep calling stuff against us?
It's like the Battle of the Bastards out there.
They're hate-fucking us, bro.
All up and down the field.
Hard. Right up the ass.
What are y'all bitchin' about?
Is this the first time we had shit workin' against us?
Shit out of our control?
Man, we face that every day,
that's why we Underdoggs, ain't it?
We always playin' from behind.
We gotta work twice as hard to get half as far.
But the thing about the Underdoggs is,
we never fold, we never surrender.
When everybody count us out,
we believe in ourselves.
(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS)
So, let's embrace that shit.
Let's embrace who we are.
Let's go out there and shock the world.
Let's show everybody
what the mothafuckin' Underdoggs are made of.
Hell yeah!
PLAYERS: Yeah!
TRE: Yeah, we got this, dawg.
(WHOOPING)
PLAYER: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yo, Tre. Tre.
PLAYER 1: That's what's up, man.
PLAYER 2: Let's get dirty. PLAYERS: Yeah!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah, let's come out like I wanted to come out.
- (GRUNTS) - Let's go! Let's go!
Colonels, we're gonna keep on followin' our destiny. Okay?
We had some rough couple of moments.
- Right. - Matter of fact, you played
absolutely pathetically at certain points.
It's a miracle we're up 24-nothing.
I had a lot to do with that.
Sometimes I can make miracle...
JAYCEN: Yeah, let's fuckin' go!
- KAREEM: Yes, come on! - JAYCEN: Man up!
- JAYCEN: It's time for that theme song. New hair. New look. - PLAYER: Let's get it!
Oh, shit. What's this?
JAYCEN: There's some new ass to kick!
PLAYER 2: Doggs, go! JAYCEN: Let's go!
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS)
UNDERDOGGS: (SINGING) Little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
Oh, very nice, Two-J's.
Love the language.
(HIP-HOP SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
Great jerseys, by the way.
What happened to the other ones? They get repo'd at halftime?
You little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
- Little bitch-ass - Seem, uh...
- Punk-ass bitches - ...angry.
Little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
Bitches!
Little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
Why do they all seem so angry?
Little bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
- Little bitch-ass - What's up with that?
- Punk-ass bitches - Whoo!
- Someone get me a 40! - JAYCEN: Go! Let's go!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Continue dominance, men.
Let's go!
CHIP: Squash 'em.
(COLONELS YELL IN UNISON)
CHERISE: Let's go!
ESA: Go! Go! CHERISE: Let's go!
Whoo!
Oh, shit! Go, go, get that shit!
KAREEM: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! CHIP: What's going on?
Put some hands on him. What's going on here?
WOMAN: Yeah! JAYCEN: Oh, good block!
Watch it! Red comin' in hot!
Spin on his ass, Tre.
Oh!
Yeah!
JAYCEN: All day, all the way, Tre!
- Go, go, go, go! Yes! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- TRE: Wassup! - Yeah!
Touchdown.
Hey, ref, where's the call?
You took care of the referee?
No, Killa and Skrilla did.
(BARKING)
(BOTH BARKING)
No holding? Illegal formation?
Wassup now, Chip?
- Come on, Carl! - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Let's go, D, lock up, let's go!
Pass, pass, pass.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Yeah!
Good defense, Dwayne. Good, D.
Where's the call, huh?
Hut!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - First down.
Hell yeah!
We got a chance, I can feel it.
COLONELS PLAYER: Go! JAYCEN: Red's on D!
Red's on D!
Oh, it's a pass, pass, pass!
- DWAYNE: Bingo! - Oh, shit! Good pick, Dwayne.
What the hell is going on here?
CHERISE: Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- CHIP: Stop him! - Yeah!
CHIP: Stop him!
Oh, Prime Time, Deion Sanders!
CARL: Touchdown!
Turn the fucking ball over and embarrass me,
you useless piece of shit.
Get your asses back to the sidelines.
JAYCEN: Come on, y'all, we runnin' outta time!
Go, go, go, get that shit!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - CARL: Clipping.
On the defense.
What is happening right now?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Down!
- Go, let's go! - Come on, Gary!
- Hut! - (PLAYERS GRUNTING)
JAYCEN: Tony, hit that shit! CHERISE: Go!
(GARY ROARS)
- (TONY GRUNTS) - (CROWD SCREAMS)
- Touchdown. - Air Tony like a mothafucker!
This isn't cheerleading.
What is this, Cirque du Soleil?
- CARL: Touchdown. - That's our Tony!
- That's my son! - (BOTH LAUGHING)
You can't be jumping on top of each other like that.
What the hell?
We on your mothafuckin' ass now.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I need one yard, first down,
and then you run out that goddamn clock.
Get that goddamn ball back!
- Defense! - Come on!
- Defense! - COLONELS PLAYER: Set! Hut!
CHIP: Let's go!
Come on, come on, come on, make the play, make the play, make the play!
KAREEM: Come on, come on, come on.
JAYCEN: Make the hit!
- Yeah! - You better, Ghost!
Oh, God damn it!
What is wrong with you?
I said do not fuck this up for me!
You just got dominated, bitch!
(CHEERING)
First down, Green Team.
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Good shit! Way to go!
Come on, y'all, gather around.
Man.
Twenty-five years ago, I was in this same situation.
Right.
Down by three, championship on the line,
and then bam!
Mothafuckin' miracle happen.
Talkin' about when you caught the Hail Mary in end zone?
Hell yeah, how you know about that play?
That shit way older than you.
Been watching me on YouTube, huh?
Guess I am your role model.
Bruh...
What y'all say, let's run that shit back?
- Yo, what about a trick play? - PLAYERS: Yeah.
I love a trick play.
PLAYER: Yeah. JAYCEN: Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I think it's time we pull out our secret weapon.
Great idea, Tony. Trick or treat, y'all.
"Underdoggs" on three. Underdoggs, on me.
- One, two, three, Underdoggs! - ALL: Underdoggs!
Let's go. Let's go! Run that shit, Tre!
What are you waiting for? Get the hell out there!
Let's go! Go!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Men, I need a stop here, and your life depends on it.
Come on, come on, pull this shit off.
- Come on! - ESA: Whoo!
- Let's go! - TRE: Down!
- Go Underdoggs! - Come on!
- TRE: Set! - Let's go, homie, let's go!
TRE: Ghost!
Wait, wait. What's goin' on over here?
JAYCEN: Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.
What's she doin' here?
Hold on, she doesn't play offense.
I don't trust her.
Eyes on her! That little girl's a psycho!
(MUSIC STOPS)
Winter is coming!
- Hut! Dracarys! - TRE: Hut!
- JAYCEN: Run it. Run it. - (GARY ROARING)
CHIP: What's going on here?
- Follow him! - TRE: I'm open! I'm open!
- He's gettin' the ball. - Run it, run it.
Lock him off, lock him off.
CHIP: She's passing to the midget!
Wait for it. Now!
Throw that bitch, Ghost! Let it go!
CHIP: What the f... Who's she throwing it to?
JAYCEN: America loves an underdog.
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
The slept on.
The little guy.
The one no one believes can achieve greatness.
Good catch! Get to the house!
Tackle him! Tackle him!
JAYCEN: But you know what they love more?
Nothin'.
Because watchin' underdogs win
is some seriously inspiring shit.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Fuck!
Yes! I did it!
I did it!
Oh, my...
- Tony. - (SOBS)
Fuck!
JAYCEN: But watching them lose in devastating fashion...
It was right there.
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
You all right?
JAYCEN: Well, that shit turns out to be even more inspiring.
Aye, at least you held on to that titty.
(TRE CHUCKLES)
JAYCEN: Fuck the scoreboard.
Fuck the cheap-ass plastic trophy.
Fuck the bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
that think they better than you.
Ain't nothin' to be sad about, Titties.
Y'all played y'all asses off today.
From the moment I came out here
as y'all coach till today,
y'all made me proud.
Y'all made me a different man.
I love y'all.
Keep your head up. Come on, your family wanna see you.
- Let's go. - (CROWD CHEERING)
One little bullshit - ass setback ain't nothin'
after a lifetime of bullshit-ass setbacks.
- That's all right, baby. - We love you!
Heads up, heads up!
It's okay!
Yeah.
Wow.
WOMAN: Put that chin up.
Way to go, superstar.
Superstar?
What can I say? I'm a Jedi mind-trickin' mothafucker.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Love you, Coach. - I love you too, son.
Go celebrate.
CHIP: Champions again!
Champions again!
(SIGHS) All right, y'all.
You know what's happenin'. We gotta go shake their hands,
- let's go. - (TEAM GROANING)
CHIP: Offense doesn't win championship!
Defense doesn't win championship!
- Coaching wins championships! - Yo, Coach.
Oh.
Good game.
(HEARTACHES BY ART NEVILLE PLAYING)
Thank you. Good game, Coach.
Got a talented group here.
Aye, but don't get it twisted though.
We gonna fuck you mothafuckers up next season.
No cap.
(TEAM CHEERING)
(HEARTACHES BY ART NEVILLE CONTINUES PLAYING)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
What if I...
told you, hypothetically...
I was really proud of you.
I would say you was feelin' me...
hypothetically, of course.
Right.
(CHERISE CHUCKLES)
You still smoke?
(CHERISE CHUCKLES)
JAYCEN: One defeat doesn't mean you're defeated.
That shit only makes an underdog hungrier.
Hungrier for the next opportunity to defy the odds
and come back stronger than ever.
Because, you see,
the true power of the underdog
is that they never let themselves be beat.
And at the end of the day,
right there is the definition
of ultimate mothafuckin' greatness.
(HEARTACHES BY ART NEVILLE CONTINUES PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
(CAPTIVATING MUSIC PLAYING)
(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAIDBACK HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)